This is not a poem IV

This year
I cried whenever I was alone, for two weeks
I was lonely
I wanted my mother to come stay with me for a few days
I didn't ask her to but she still said she couldn't
Because my sister needed help studying
The people who could and would have made a difference were too far away to comfort me
My sisters, I didn't cry to them
My poor Sue, to him I did and I made him miserable too
Then I met Abhimanyu Singh for chai one day
And I told him, "I think I'm going mad", he said, "me too"
Then Nerida sent me photos
random photos, of a cockatoo, of the back wall of her house, various small unimportant lovely things
So now I cried a little less
Then I went on a very tiny holiday with Sue and Tanmay
I was still sad but it was a beautiful place
I was sad, I was sad, I stayed sad
Till around mid October
I think it was the autumn sunshine
Then I rose, and rose and how I rose
Nothing could bring me down
Nobody could bring me down
Then I don't know
It turned really cold
It was colder in bed than outside
So I guess that brought the madness back
But it wasn't so bad this time around
Still, it was pretty bad
I came home for winter, not wanting to
I listened to my sisters, they had been sad too,
Because of the men they loved
They all said the same things
I thought then, that I didn't want to be like them
And hey, I'm not anymore, though I was earlier
And that, more than anything else had made me unhappy
But I have reclaimed the ease that I had lost, since
I'm afraid I will burst into a hundred thousand foil stars my heart is so full of love
For who I am
For where I live
For what I do
But most of all, for the people who have made this year easier
For my parents for not saying a word to me about how I live, the rules I break, the way I behave
For my friends, all my friends, wherever they may have been this year
For my sisters, because nothing has changed between us even though we have changed, ourselves
For the boy who came to me last year and will never leave
For myself.
Because at 23, I am exactly who I wanted to be when I was 15.

It's not like this shit was any better ten years ago, I read my old diary. It was worse, man. So yea, it's not the world, it's just me. So basically, my life is full of shit right now but so is everybody else's, except for some lucky sods but I don't know them, so it's ok. I brought it upon myself and now I can't deal with it anymore. I'll just go die now, okbye.

So, I never thought Once Upon A Summertime would be about me again.
Maybe it isn't.
Maybe I can't see the curve because I'm in the graph.
I'm an obsessive person, generally.
I obsess over something or the other everyday.
So I'm really deluded too.
I work myself up over things of little consequence.
So now I can't tell the difference between imp and non-imp.
I have a violent streak, a mean streak, a self destructive streak.
I'm going to take a blade and slit my face down the middle, forehead to chin, one of these days.
I'm going to disappear and I'm going to break your heart and I'm going to write your name all over the rocks and stones that live where I do.
I'm going to burn this whole city down in my head and pretend it never existed.

I want you. To talk to, to look at, to think about. You'd read this and not for a second imagine this was about you. Now you know, oh wait, "you" is not a proper noun. So you'll wonder if it's about you, maybe you know, maybe you can tell. Or maybe I've confused you successfully. Actually no, I don't think I have. So you can tell this is about you, right? Wait, you might not read this at all. I don't know your internet habits too well. But this is about you. I know you know that I know that you know. This is fun. This might look like a joke but I'm dead serious. Haha. That was sardonic laughter, of the William type. I bet you don't know who William is. I'm sure of it, actually. Anyway, I'd just like you to know that I want you. To talk to, to look at. I think about you enough already.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Threw someone a surprise party, travelled with a boyfriend, didn't go home for break, stayed outdoors all night doing random things on a daily basis. (Watched Monkey Dust.)

2. Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I probably didn't and won't this year either. (2010, watch Monkey Dust season 3)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My birthday, because I felt like a princess. Nerida's birthday. The first time I hung properly with Khaliq and Menon. We got stoned and ate all of Nerida's birthday cake. K and M had met her for the first time that night and I didn't know her too well. (The first time I heard about Monkey Dust. Actually "heard of" is not correct, K and M performed lots of it for me, most of the Clive bits.)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The paper I finished writing today. Haha, dunno really. Oh yeah, it should be my first office job, I guess.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Summer. I lost my head completely. (Not having watched Monkey Dust Season 3.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ohh yes. I was laid up for two weeks over summer with disgustingly low B.P. Almost happened again this week. (Some amount of brain damage following repeated viewings of Monkey Dust season 1 stoned.)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Anogh, Khaliq.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Mostly mine, sometimes Sumeet, as is expected.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Cigarettes, NorthEast Dhaba, Mughal Durbar, Teflas etc.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Lots of small things. The dam, in recent memory. (Monkey Dust.)

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Paayaliya/DevD, Masakali/Delhi6, Walk On The Wild Side/Lou Reed, Hanging Around/Lou Reed, Back In The USSR/The Beatles.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
I was happier last year this time but then I'd just fallen head over heels in love. I'm happy now but I bet I was happier last year. (But now my life has Monkey Dust, so maybe happier.)

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Nothing. (Watched more Monkey Dust?)

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Cried and fought. (Watched endless repeats of Monkey Dust Season 1?)

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
Dunno.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
More and more and more every day for better or for worse. But I will remember 2009 as the year I fell in love with JNU. (Also with Ivan Dobsky [he never done it, he only said he done it so they'd take the flagpole out of his bottom] and Mr. Hoppy [yippeeeeeeee!].)

23. How many one night stands?
None! =D

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
MONKEY DUST.

26. What was the best book you read?
Cant remember, didn't read much this year.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Can't remember.

28. What did you want and get?
People to call my own here.

29. What did you want and not get?
As much love as I wanted, Naman to teach the Indian Temple Architecture course, more of that beautiful maal. (Monkey Dust seasons 2 and 3.)

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Dev D.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My birthday was Epic. Sumeet threw me a surprise party on a bus. I turned 22. (Sadly no Monkey Dust.)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More Sumeet. (More Monkey Dust!)

34. What kept you sane?
The internet constantly. At a time when I was really really low, Khaliq, Nerida for sending me random photos to cheer me up, Anogh for all the evenings he spent playing agony aunt, Manu Singh for being quiet company I could talk books with, Toy Chatt, for everything, Kar and Rijula for Koyna, Tenzin for innumerable hours of amusement. (Monkey Dust?)

37. Who was the worst new person you met?
I love everybody! (The Paedo Finder General.)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Long list, I met a LOT of new people this year. Khaliq, Manu Singh, Karan, Dhawale. (Ivan Dobsky and Mr.Hoppy, Liar Clive, Timmy)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
SO many things! I love you 2009! (Monkey Dust is still good even if you're watching Episode 3, Season 1 for the 16th time.)

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
That requires serious analytical thought which I am not capable of at the moment.

So I woke up happy today, having done productive work the night before. Going a little slow right now, 500 words since I woke up which is sad compared to yesterday's production of 1000 words on the Partition paper. Not as anxious about the Art Theory paper as I was over the last week, will manage 4000 words somehow, with an added 1000 from an earlier paper. In the writing groove now. It gives me great pleasure to look at my folder of papers. Sixteen papers over three semesters, two more added to that by Monday. A lot of it is shit, especially the performance papers but Naman's papers I'm proud of. Nothing good this semester, though, except for the Ren Theory paper which I'm proud of because I managed to comprehend enough to write 1500 words. Anyway, back to the struggle. Must write 500 words more by two then run to the library and start writing the Art Theory paper.

I am always hungry. And often dirty. I go to sleep thinking of the last paragraph of whatever paper I'm writing and I wake up structuring the next paper. Something bad will happen by Monday. If it doesn't, on Monday I will go mad. I will run around in a big circle screaming and laughing. Or I will sit in a corner and cry very loudly. Delayed trauma. This has been the worst MA semester in terms of grades. I've learnt lots this semester but I've written and am writing currently, the worst papers possible. I am ashamed but now there is no time for research. There are SFI posters pasted all over the walls of TEFLAS (a canteen that looks like AC Canteen but with muuch better food)which bear the following slogan, "Study and Struggle". Apt.

Ok, her nose is overlong and her eyes pop out of her head but she is beautiful because sometimes she moves like a dancer. I wish we lived in sentimental times so that I could grab a crabby boy by the arm and say, "BHRIGU, AAMIO BORO EKA AR BHEESHON KLANTO...KLANTO...KI KLANTO..." (Bhrigu, I too am very lonely and so tired too) or at my sickest, climb up on to the Koyna tank and scream at Kar and Rijula below, "DADAAA, AMI BACHTE CHAI" (Dada, I want to live).

I want to turn into a tree. How many more times will I have to say this before I really do? I want to tame that stalker cat and turn it into my fat, lazy killing machine. I want to *cue music* I want to be someone else or I'll ex-plo-de (nono, I don't mean that, it just fits).

This has been a bad year. I have been ill a lot this year and depressed a lot and blah blah. But I don't want it to end because next year might be worse.